Gym Commandments

Those who know me personally, know I’m in the gym on a regular basis.  There are pet peeves of mine in the gym, as with my friend, Melissa.  Listed below, are a list of gym commandments for each gender.  I would like to thank Melissa for her contribution to the cause as she came up with these, I agree to most, a couple of which, I am guilty of and quite frankly, so are the rest of you that go!!!

Gym Commandments for Men:

1. Listen, we (the general gym public) know YOU think you’re of Olympic weight lifting caliber, but truth be told, we don’t give a shit… STOP BANGING THE BLOODCLOT WEIGHTS!!! Nothing screams ‘JACKASS’ more than this! SERIOUSLY!!!!! You are NOT impressing A N Y B O D Y!!!!! Stop this.

2. Keeping in line with “no-one-gives-a-shit”, stop grunting and puffing unnecessarily. If the weight’s too heavy, lighten it. Simple. Who are you trying to impress again?! Oh.Yeah, no.

3. Don’t tell women (or other men, actually) what to do. Mind your business… In fact, I’d go as far to say that the perfect form you think you have, isn’t, and therefore makes you unqualified to correct anyone else. Do your workout and allow others to do theirs… So simple.

4. Gentlemen, head to toe neoprene, spandex, luon, ANYTHING tight is a no-no. A NO-NO. I repeat, a no-no. Ewww!!!

5. I’m pretty sure there’s a ‘Man Code’ about urinals in a men’s washroom, no?! SO WHY would you think it’s okay to take the cardio machine next to me (or any person, male or female) when there are PLENTY OTHERS available?!?!?!!?! OMG!!! RESPECT PERSONAL SPACE! As things apply in the washroom, so they do too for cardio equipment… If the gym’s busy, FINE… but if it isn’t, move.

6. Dear Mr. Stalker Dude, I do not appreciate your staring. At all. Most (if not all) women do NOT appreciate your staring/glaring/gazing (insert whichever word you’d like). If you thought it would get you the girl, think again… I’d hazard a guess to say you’d straight freak her out. Stop this. Immediately.

7. Dudes. There is no need to do the “Captain Morgan” pose while your buck ass nekked in the change room.  Nobody is trying to look at your parts, get dressed and K.I.M.!!!

8. This applies to both men and women, if you’re doing cardio and talking on the phone at the same damn time, chances are you’re not working hard enough. Get the FUCK OFF!!!

9. I hope women don’t do this as well but dudes… don’t throw your jockey shorts on the ground.  Don’t fucking throw your jockey shorts on the ground and leave them there.  That is beyond disgusting!!!

10. Thou shalt not walk through the change room, barefooted.  Ever heard of a staph infection??? No you say. Research it.

11. Thou shalt not eat a meal in the change room.  Very unhygenic.  Seen some bamma eating a three-course meal in some tupperware. Not cool.

12. Thou shalt not try to strike conversation at the urinal or in the shower. Ever.

13. Thou shalt not shave his coin purse in the washroom at the gym.  Save that shit for your house.  There is no reason for your scrotum to be placed on the ledge.  Damn dirtyness!!!

Gym Commandments for Women:

1. Women, please WEAR YOUR SIZE: it’s NOT cute when your clothes are too tight and/or too small… Sooo not a good look.

2. Having your batty jaw and/or your bubbies hanging out is not cute… It might get you the attention you seek, but I’m pretty sure a) it will be short-lived and b) it won’t be positive attention. Don’t do this.

3. Again, stop with the attention seeking behaviour… No need to ‘pose-up’ and have your batty kick off, spine curl up to ‘accentuate’ your ‘assets’… A man will notice you, regardless, if he finds you attractive… Stop this. Oh, and aren’t we at the gym to work out?! Posing up is a no-no.

4. Ladies, if you want to walk, do it outside. COME OFF THE TREADMILLS and let the people who REALLY want to work out (read: RUN) get on and do their workout!!! The treadmill isn’t made for walking… Unless it’s the dead of winter and there’s NUFF snow on the ground… Otherwise, RUN or COME OFF! (cha!!)

5. While we’re on the subject of treadmills, ladies, regular bras are NOT sufficient at the gym and CERTAINLY NOT on a treadmill… Hold those puppies IN!!! If you’re wearing a regular bra, no/very little support (even if it has wiring), your girls are FLAPPIN’ in the breeze… Again, not a good look. Go buy a sports bra. Please.

6. Moaning and sighing while curling 5-10 lbs is not only dumb, it’s distracting and while you may think you look hot to the men (ummm, aren’t we at the gym to train?! why are you watching man for?! LAWD!!!), you are not at home… this is not your bedroom (or your kitchen or powder room *wink*) No moaning allowed. Ewww.

I want you bozos to soak this up and realize what you’re guilty of and KNOCK IT OFF!!!

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